17 March 2009 : Fraction of Memory

I never thought about when I plan to die. It was never a simple question till yesterday. I met my sister for the first time in 3 years and somehow I knew she has changed. I was always worried about dying, but that didn’t stop me from continuing my life. I worried about everything though, but I still moved on. My sister is a type of person that creates maze around her. Everybody must move around and around before reaching the centre. I’ve been in her maze long enough to see her creating more tracks. Somehow I got to see the centre, but not it was moved again..

She said to me yesterday, something about our age and how do we want to spend it. She said that she wouldn’t be around for very long time. I asked what that means. ” Is not that I will commit suicide or else, but I get the feeling that I won’t reach 35″. She said it without making any sad tone. She’s not depressed or stucked in stressful life cycle.

She’s just that complicated.

I guess that’s why everybody’s having trouble understanding her. why such question can be addressed in simple manner. I definitely don’t know.. Then she continued the story. She said that she would spend the rest of her life doing something for herself, like backpacking around Europe. “Maybe I’m egoistic or what, but now I can not do something for the community, I’d rather do something for myself happily then die peacefully at 35.” I was astounded. I couldn’t respond anything but smile.

Sometimes things just have to stay the way it is. I didn’t mark any comments. Everything she said echoed to my heart and made me think of myself. “What do I really want to do for the rest of my life?” “What if my limit is until 35?” “What will I do then?” then I thought I’ve been making myself unhappy for the past 6 years by trying so hard to please others.

It was never a question till yesterday…

-Fraction of memory 2 years ago brought back today, it was deep conversation-

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